Looks can be deceiving,
Though I know I seem OK;
Inside, my heart is grieving
While a smile is on display.
It's a pain that doesn't show,
With no cast or crutch in sight.
Still, it's there and now you know
I'm working hard to look "all right."
Talking with other bereaved people, I find as time goes on that this is universal: The perception that we're getting along pretty well - "getting over it" - the reality that we're still shattered, but trying to cope.
Oh yes, I am experiencing and appreciating joys in life - certainly always with our sweet granddaughter, phone chats with Jamie, and also time spent with friends, outings, and even during quiet times at home. But, like the snowman above, the unseen inner turmoil also takes up plenty of space. I'm getting better at pushing it aside when I need to, but I am aware of its presence, and my need to lean into it sometimes. A little healing takes place when I give it its due, in the natural course of searching for some sort of balance once again in life.
Nineteen months: Still looking ahead with hope, one step at a time, one day at a time ~ proceeding with patience, perseverance, and prayer! I sure appreciate you hanging in here with me. Some fun granddaughter updates are coming soon!
6 comments:
Aunt Donna, my heart ever goes out to you. I can't imagine what this must be like and I won't pretend. I hope you're finding peace in the fact that you will be able to be reunited with your whole family again one day when the earth has passed, and that the bonds of family are eternal. What a special blessing that is from our God. I love you very much!
I'm grateful for your honest observations. This is intimate truth about universal human experience, what you are sharing. Potential for finding new balance, after your whole world changes, depends on being able to take it one day at a time. Every day, finding balance for that day. Sometimes it's moment to moment! But you can do it. So you do, learning it as you go. As always, thanks for sharing!
- and, of course, lots of love from your Mom along with my pride in the expressive and loving person you have become. I tell Martha - and you - that tears are not only allowed; they sometimes can be a release from the inner turmoil of sleet, sun, dogs, and rabbits.
I can't say that I know how you feel, because our losses are different, but I can say that I can relate to the way you are coping. I think sometimes I even fool myself that I'm feeling/doing better, and maybe I am, but when something brings me back into that sad place, or reminds me of Kirk..it's really hard to just dismiss it and stay focused on whatever I'm trying to do. Praying for you! Hope to see you next Sunday at FBC :)
Thanks, Kam, Mom and Evy, I sure appreciate the comments and feel the love. Your words do help, and as always, the prayers.
Amelia, you describe the coping well, and I know you have an understanding that I wish you didn't have to have. You and Michelle should talk sometime. We get to see you at FBC? Yay!
Life to never be the same. You; to never be the same twinnie as before your loss of Derek.
NOW; to figure out how to do life in a very different way. When your heart is broken; can it mend? Maybe some days more than others.
Thank God for faith and tears to cleanse our souls; even at a moments notice. Not hard to hang in there with you. I am ALWAYS here for twinnie sharing.
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